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oneparentheses

        it was if i am not mistaken
two of us roaming flowing in and along the
July streets of a reckless city nothing stop
ping the caffeine drip and the
roasting of bowl and bowls in every barely
cranny Chicago could not see; A fewah
cigarsss she treated us as travelers and
we toasted over semi-bland food- Gawd
it was that day if it could not have been any
different; longing for experiences
like those is painful painful
We are 2wo of a Kind that will
roam street after street sticking out a
brief arrogance towards a limitless number
of objects.


twoparentheses

        two Americans who can't
figure anything mentionable or EVEN worth twoanda
half hours. It's really too bad
for the city of Portland. When we roam we
light up streets and they tend to not let
go of our close to the same size feet.
I missher naturally like i miss good food
and soft clean carpet. This does not
scare me because I'm eighteen and i’ll heal.
What is slightly unnerving is that this city
may be parched of two individuals together
for at least months, of weeks well....

threeparentheses

        only us- only us two could of
skidded the blah streets of a city
sorely tired of getting’ out uh bed. If we
did not roll smiling and high on through
week in and out- the city The City of
Vancouver would be anything like it is. Actually
we’re not sure of this but whoah
it matters that we were, still,
till, mmm there. Always and narrowly seeking
the true and helplessly somber state of a city
streaking in and out with an IV. We might
as well go back.-.-.-.---



fourparentheses

       we arrived sixteen hours apart and in
two different states but 41st en Broadway
brought us together for an intense original
view atah city I haven’t stopped dreaming towards.
Daily – A quick stamp down broadway for
bagelcoffee and quickly our feet sat, along with
motionless hands in the hands of the R-train (Manhattan/
Brooklyn). It wasn’t the coffeetea, this train
buzzed me.
        

                            (breathing)





        New York City Makes Me Feel Illimitable.
©2006-2009 ~PopMcfly
:iconpopmcfly:

Author's Comments

this one took awhile.

For 3 indivuals that will remain nameless.

thanks

Daily Deviation

Given 2006-07-30

Great spoken word, fantastic rhythm and the human moments in (two) are wonderful. Take some time to read CITIES by ~PopMcfly. His gallery is worth some of your time, too. (Featured by `imperfect)

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconwillowtree:
good.
You come to Arizona, now.

--
-I don't want feel this pull as this city becomes home without you-
:icondarkglassdolleyes:
This is really good stuff. The feeling it gives me is of learning about someone (or someones) through traveling, and people revealing themselves through how they interact with cities rather than with other people, which is a pretty original idea.
:iconcarissima82:
oooooooooooooooooooooh.
so much length from you. i am impressed.

to be reread many times.

--
when she walked, her knees cracked like a pick-up truck driving full-force over a deer carcass.
~stupidvagina
:iconagesxracer:
i read this tonight

it was strange

that i wept over the first portion



what the fuck have we done?

--
.Aspire.to.Reduce.
:iconpopmcfly:
well... hopefully this year will give me/us a better perspective on the activity. and we will be old so maybe staff will respect us ?

--
under me you so quite new
:iconagesxracer:
i also forget how great new york continues to be

--
.Aspire.to.Reduce.
:iconimperfect:
oneparentheses

L1 - I want a comma after was, or shift it was to the end - if i am not mistaken it was - hm makes a nice play on meaning actually.
L5 - Should the second bowls be bowels? Consider bowels?
L10 - Experience works better for slant rhyme and rhythm (with different).

I also struggle to grasp this line: Gawd
it was that day if it could not have been any
different;


twoparentheses

L3 - should be too and not to.
L4 - Repetitoon of roam. You could change this.


twoparentheses

L1 - "of". I get it, but i'd still use "have".
L3 - Stray'?

I think this is your weakest stanz, but that doesn't mean it's weak.

high on through
week in and out-

This just doesn't make sense to me.

the city The City of

I'd drop the of to the next line.


Vancouver would be anything like it is. Actually

This line tripped me because i was expecting "wouldn't" or "exactly". I can't decide if i like it how it is.

we’re not sure of this but whoah
it matters that we were, still,
till, mmm there. Always and narrowly seeking

Do you need the "mmm"? Ot get rid of the "till" (did you mean to repeast "steill" here?)

the true and helplessly somber state of a city
streaking in and out with an IV. We might
as well go back.-.-.-.---

How do you want your code to be read?


I've pretty much read everything in your gallery today. Someone mentioned i should stop by and at the first few i though, hmmm, okay, but they didn't grab - poems for a different person to get excited about. However, this one makes me want to stop

cough and read it loud to the dog and cat and anyone passing beneath my window.

Great spoken work, fantastic rhythm and your human moments in (two) are wonderful.

Thanks for a great read.

--
stirring stuff
:iconevergrateful:
This kind of flow = pleasing poetic structure.

One could write a 3-page poem with this flow
and it might read faster than a choppy 20-liner.

--
Don't people realize that greatness is kissing aaaaaaasss? Mediocrity! Yes! Improper usage of exclamation points! Love it!!!!1. Mediocrity as I was saying. Is! The Way tO0 fr33d0rm. No one bothers 2 influence u wen ur medioconquer.

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February 3, 2006
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